Snake Doctor VS Unova
by Snake Doctor
Summary: Do you like Pokémon battles? Do you like the humorous and/or rage-fueled commentary of someone who's currently losing them? If not, why? If so, come watch Snake Doctor fight his way through the Unova Pokémon League Challenge! Rated T for language.


**Hello, Snake Doctor and/or Pokémon fans! I am, of course, Snake Doctor, and I'd like a moment of your time to go over my inspiration for this story. If you're not interested, read ahead past the bold text.**

**Earlier this year I published a story of a battle I had with Cynthia in Pokémon Black. It was an epic tale full of drama and suspense and thrills and a healthy bit of swearing. It also had a healthy bit of positive reviews for something I wrote up within 10 minutes of boredom. This was inspired by a story I read going over one player's account of a battle with Bugsy on Pokémon HeartGold.**

**Now, two facts about me. I play World of Warcraft, and I live with a girlfriend who loves me. I know, shock! "How can both of these things happen!" you cry out, scoffing at my claim. My answer: She plays WoW as well, and takes delight in watching me play WoW and other games because she finds my reactions and nerdrage hilarious when I start losing and have reason to believe it's not my fault. In fact, she enjoys my torment so much I am forbidden to play any Arena matches or tank/heal any dungeons unless she is either A) in the room watching or B) in the party or team playing with me. Failure to comply means I have to cook my own dinner. And I can't cook anything that doesn't come out of the package pre-cooked and frozen. So there ya go.**

**Moving on! Since Katelyn enjoys my commentary so much, I am spreading mirth and merriment by going over every major battle I have whilst playing through Pokémon Black/White 2. I finally bought the game after some peer pressure from one of my close friends. So, as always, enjoy, review, and thanks for reading!**

* * *

So, here we are, inside the Aspertia Gym. It's me, three pokémon, my wacky hairdo, and some dude named Clyde.

"I'm the guide for Trainers who want to challenge Pokémon Gyms – "

"I know, go away."

"– take this to commemorate your debut!"

"Been playing since the '90s, guy." I grumbled. "Hey, since you're so smart, maybe you can tell me why we don't have a game that spans all the regions yet. Or tell me if Nintendo is hiring."

Clyde handed me a bottle of Fresh Water and gave me a way-too-wide creeper smile. "Pokémon Gyms are – "

_Goddamn, why won't he shut up?_ _Eat rapid-fire- A-button-mashing, Clyde! Muahaha!_

Clyde finally stopped talking and went to stand in the corner. I walked forward and eyeballed the back another guy's head.

"Oh, come on! Really?"

The guy heard me and turned around. Yes, it was indeed Cheren, my "rival" from Pokémon Black. He gave me an eager grin and stepped forward. "You must be a challenger!"

"No!" I walked up to him, cutting him off from talking further. "Nononono! You can't be my first gym leader."

Cheren blinked. "But I am."

"No." I shook my head. "The sun does not rise in the west, Agent Coulson isn't dead, and your wannabe-hipster ass is not a gym leader. These are the things I know."

I hated Cheren the moment I laid eyes on him. I hated his stupid hair. I hated his stupid glasses. I hated his stupid look. I hated his stupid, know-it-all attitude. I hated his stupid face. But most of all, I hated how he thought he was better than me all the way through Pokémon Black despite never once beating me in a battle. Ever. If I were ten again and we were in the same school, I'd stalk him across the playground and beat his ass every single day of recess.

Every.

Single.

Recess.

"Anyway…" Cheren spread his arms. "Welcome to Aspertia City's Pokémon Gym. I am Cheren, the Gym Lea – "

"NO!" I clamped my hands around my ears. "No! Green is the only rival allowed to become a gym leader. And that's because Green was actually capable of beating me and I still feel bad about killing his raticate."

"Hmm." Cheren looked like he didn't know how to quite respond to that. "Well, maybe I'd better say I just became the Gym Leader!"

"Shut up," I growled. "Just battle me. I'll hit you so hard, when you wake up your clothes will be out of style."

Cheren blinked. "I'm sorry, I don't follow."

"It's a Goonies reference. It's supposed to be funny."

"We need to prepare before welcoming you to the Gym." Cheren turned to the two people I just now noticed were standing behind him. "You two, take your places!"

One of them, female type, wandered off the screen while the other stayed where he was. Cheren turned back to me. "If you defeat these two, then I'll be your opponent!"

"Fine." Cheren ran off and I ran over to the first trainer.

"Cheren saw potential in me and made me a Trainer of the Gym!"

"I got ten bucks that says you have a patrat and/or a lillipup."

The kid blinked. "You cheated! You have a walkthrough!"

"No, I've just gotten to know the game designers pretty well."

"How dare you!" the child raged. "The designers spent over a year developing this game! They worked hard!"

"By giving me a hack gym leader. Right." I fondled a pokéball. "Let's just get this over with…"

Two incredibly short battles later, I meet up with stupid Cheren and stupid Cheren's stupid ascot. He smiled at me. "Just as this is your first Gym challenge – "

"No it isn't."

" – this will be my first Pokémon battle as a Gym Leader!"

"Fascinating."

"Let's both do our best have a battle we can be proud of!"

"Shut up."

Cheren pointed at me oh, so dramatically and called out his first pokémon. A Patrat. Didn't see that coming at _all…_

I sent out mine. "Cole!"

Cole was my tepig, my starter pokémon. At first, I hated the way tepig looked so much I went through Pokémon Black with a snivy named Ivy as my starter. But, alas, tepig is a fire type, my favorite and preferred type. And emboar looks kind of like a Spartan sumo wrestler, which I find hilarious. So, I have a tepig this time around, and I'm getting oshawatt when I play through White 2.

"Cole, Ember!"

"Patrat, Work Up!"

Cole's attack hit and knocked off about a third of Patrat's health. But, there was no burning, which made me sad. Patrat went on to use Work Up, which I truly did not see coming and made me hate Cheren even more.

"To have chosen that move…" Cheren mumbled. "I see! You'll be a powerful opponent!"

"You really are a hack gym leader," I told my unresponsive foe. "That's the same signature move of the Striaton Gym in Pokémon Black." And it whipped the floor with me, too. Chili's Lillipup destroyed my entire team our first three matches and I had to go catch and level a Purrloin to beat it.

"Cole, Tail Whip!"

"Patrat, Bite!"

Cole took a nasty hit. But, fortunately, Cole was faster than Patrat, so Bite's flinch effect would be nonexistent. Cole also had an Oran Berry, which gave him back almost a third of his health. I had Cole use Ember again, which knocked Patrat down very close to the critical-health stage, but Patrat got a critical hit on Bite. Cole fainted right away.

I groaned. "You lucky sack." But it was not the end of the world. Patrat was nearly beaten anyway and I knew exactly how I wanted to finish him off.

My next pokémon was my pidove Skylar. Skylar did a Quick Attack and between the STAB and Patrat's lowered Defense, Patrat went down with a whimper. And even better, Skylar moved up to Level 12.

Cheren's next pokémon, to my dismay, was a Level 13 Lillipup.

"As a Gym Leader, I aim to be a wall for you to overcome!"

"SHUT. UP."

And if Lillipup was anything like Chili's was, it was a fast little shit, too, with Work Up as well. So, when the game asked if I wanted to switch, I sent in Lumi the mareep, silently thanking the game designers for making non-Unova pokémon available to me right from the beginning.

"Lillipup, Work Up!"

"Lumi, Growl!"

I felt my expression form into a troll-face as Lillipup tried to increase his power a second and third time. When I got tired of doing that, I had Lumi use Thunder Wave. Lillipup got a Work Up off, but now he had paralysis to contend with. I had Lumi use another Growl and laughed when Lillipup lost a turn to the paralysis.

"Lumi, Thundershock!"

The attack didn't do all that much, especially compared to Lillipup's Tackle. But, again, I had an Oran Berry on speed dial that brought my pokémon's health up a bit. Another Thundershock and over half of Lillipup's health was down. But then Lillipup used another Work Up.

Now, I had a dilemma. I could use Growl, hope Lillipup loses another turn, and then Thundershock him down to soften up for another one of Skylar's Quick Attacks. Or I could just Thundershock him, hope he loses another turn, and then Thundershock him again for the win.

I went for Growl. His attack fell and thankfully, Lillipup lost another turn. Another Thundershock brought him down to a sliver of health as Lumi ate another Work-Up-fueled Tackle. I laughed. "And that's game."

"LOLPOTION!"

Lillipup's health climbed back up well over fifty percent. My jaw dropped.

"You really are a little nutsack!"

See, I don't use recovery items in battle. I take pride in that, actually, and challenge myself every Pokémon game playthrough to not use _any_ recovery items during a battle. No Potions, no Full Heals, nothing. Everything I have I save for afterward. It's good practice for WiFi battles, where the only recovery options you get come from held items and pokémon moves.

But, since at least Generation II, Gym Leaders, Rivals, and Elite Four members all have one or two heals on standby and will use them when their most powerful pokémon get into that critical health stage. And I'd completely forgotten.

_I'm about to lost to Bookworm Cheren._

"Lumi, Growl!"

"Lillipup, Tackle."

Once again, Lillipup lost a turn, and his attacked dropped. Thank God for small favors. "Thundershock!"

"Work Up!"

Lillipup's attack climbed again. But this time, I didn't bother to lower it. I had to get Lillipup down far enough for Skylar's Quick Attacks. Two more Thundershocks later, Lumi was knocked out and out came Skylar.

"Skylar, Growl!"

"Lillipup, Tackle!"

Skylar knocked Lillipup's Attack back down and ate a Tackle. But my third Oran Berry healed him back up. Two Quick Attacks later, and Lillipup went down!

Cheren didn't sound too bummed about it at all. "This!" he yelled. "This is what a real Pokémon battle is!"

"No," I counted, "this is what a needlessly long battle looks like. You should have just quit but noooooo, Cheren has to cheat – "

"That battle has made me feel really glad you were my first challenger as a Gym Leader." Cheren reached into his pockets. "I give you this in honor of the strength - "

_A-BUTTON-MASHING!_

The Basic Badge, which I recognized as Lenora's old badge, flashed up across my screen and went into my snazzy badge case. I clipped it shut and glared at Cheren when he handed me TM83: Work Up.

"When you use Work Up – "

"Bye now."

"But – "

"No, seriously, Cheren," I replied as I ran for the door, "go die in a fire."

* * *

**My Pokémon:**

Cole (Tepig) – Level 13

Lumi (Mareep) – Level 12

Skylar (Pidove) – Level 12

**Yeah, you can totally catch Riolu early on in the game. And if you have the patience to spend an hour just running around and if you level Riolu up during the day, you can get a Lucario before you hit the gym and have a laughably overpowered pokémon to stomp Cheren with. I did that on White 2 and had way too much fun spamming Counter the entire fight.**


End file.
